My heart, her hand...

She takes my heart in her hand

Wraps in up and encases it against her warm body

She pulls me close 

Whispering everything I need to hear

I feel wanted, needed, desired

Enveloped in a wall she has surrounding her heart,

I slowly chisel away at the stone

And carry the rocks away

Letting them fall out of my pockets as I walk down this road.

This smile really hasn't seen the light of day in years

It's been let in aimlessly over time

For just a quick peek of what it might be if I stepped outside.

When the rays hit my face

I squint

Wanting to retreat to my darkness

She pulls me out further, making me. 

Making me look, making me take in my surroundings, making me feel the warmth against my skin. 

Sometimes I fear the light. 

I fear it because I'm afraid it will lead back to the dark. 

In my world the light only stays for a short time and inevitably fades away

I'm left in a dim corner

With my heart in my hands

A tear on my cheek

And an emptiness I can't describe

Secrets

Hush. 
Speak softly.
Can I tell you a secret?
Whisper it in my ear... 


I'm her secret. I'm good at being her secret.
I've been someone's secret and they've been mine.
Things have to move slowly sometimes in life before they come to the surface,
but often I feel those are the most worthy of our time. 


They say secrets don't make friends.
I say, I have all the friends I need.

The Purest Element 7/30/02

There is no such thing as death
life is but a dream
the only thing that is real is immortality
the pursuit of another's dream
A fixation like the drug
because as a lifeform, we are weak
There is no creationfrom a God
or even a world
There is no real, but only energy
A taste of it is on your tongue
You feel it on your plastic skin
just waiting for it to work itself in.
I am you, and you are me
Like osmosis, absorbing energy
we are fighting to be free.

--this is not mine, but a friend of mine from HS.

Why.. 9/29/98

Why won't you accept me,
for the way that I am?
I'm still the same inside
so you shouldn't give a damn.
Nothing has changed
except my feelings for her
my feelings for you
are the same as they always were.
I know you are ashamed
but I feel I have done no wrong
You think there is someone better
someone better will come along.
I don't feel that is right though
SHE is the one I need
but you're never going to let it happen
You are never going to let me lead.
You say I am not ready emotionally
but who are you to say?
You don't know how much I love her
and it grows every passing day.

Mom 10/13/98

True to my heart, mom
is what you've taught me to be
but how can I do this, mom
if you won't let me be me?

I'm still the same person, mom
deep down inside
we used to share everything, mom
and now I have to hide

You won't accept it, mom
the choices I have made
if I think my heart could take it, mom
I know I'd try to trade.

But that's not what I want, mom
my heart won't let it be
why don't you just accept it, mom
why can't you love me for me?

Forever 10/15/98

You don't love me for who I am
you love me for who you THINK I am
you have such high expectations of me
but I have to be the person you raised me to be.
If you were really my friends
in time you would accept me
if you were really the people who loved me
you would love me no matter what.
I am not any different
and if I am, it's YOUR fault
you have made me close my heart
and you've taught me that honesty is a lie.
You think it's about picking
you think it's about choosing
but it is the fact that YOU need to be happy,
even if inside I am dying.
I have so much love for her
and so much love for you
but along with my love I have anger
anger because the values you've taught me were a lie.
You said people are the same inside
even if something about them is different outside
you said acceptance is everything
and love is unconditional.
But unconditional love is EVERlasting
it's NOT questionable
and it's not just when you feel like it.
It is FOREVER.

On the Inside 10/14/98

Each and every day
you push me farther away
and the hatred inside me grows.

I can't be who I really am
because for you I wear a mask
and the hatred inside me grows.

I'm not really happy
for you I just pretend
and the hatred inside me grows.

The more you push me
the more I love her
and the hatred inside me grows.

I take two steps forward
and you push me three steps back
and the hatred inside me grows.

I am mad, bitter, and cold inside
I feel almose all alone
and the hatred inside me grows.

I have one warm spot in my heart and you are not there
because you are as bitter and cold as she was.
and the hatred is still there.

5/15/03

How true is your heart?
What gives us compassion in this world?
Makes us forgive for reasons we can not yet understand?
A heart can forgive, but it doesn't forget.

2/10/03

"To thine own heart be true."

I can't run and hide anymore.
I am who I am.
I will step into the light,
to face fear and rejection,
because if I dont show people who and what I am,
they will be able to have their illusion of who I SHOULD be.
But who I should be and who I am are completely different.
I can't lie anymore,
I can't deny to my heart what I feel is right for ME.
You say you don't know me.
Part of that IS my fault, but the other part is YOURS.
If you really wanted to know me,
you would put aside your own prejudices
and just be there for me,
you would love me for me,
and not for who YOU THINK I am.
I can't say the road won't be hard,
but it could make for a better appreciation,
on both of our parts.

1/14/03

The hatred of the world bounds us.
The ties of our family and friends are not pure.
They are selfish.
What heals me, hurts you.
But when I do what you want,
I am being untrue to myself.
Which means to you,
that I am lying.
Do you know what it is to wear a mask
in front of those you love?
You couldnt.
Because if you did,
you would never ask me to do such a thing,
and you would know the pain it causes me each and every day.
What I need is support,
even if you believe who I am
and what I do with my life is wrong.
What would happen if I were to never take another breath
or live another day to make you laugh once more?
Would you take the hurt and shame
and wish they were not there?
Probably not, because our choices and hearts are different.
I can't expect you to understand.

Scars 7/30/02

Try to live today
look for discomfort
and even pain
because that is how we live
through pain
and through pain, we discover
something deeper about ourselves
and the scars?
the scars remind us.

--this is not mine, but a friend of mine in HS.

Constriction

Broken serenity, exuded feelings
Best friends
Restricted by the heart of my soul.
Captured by the sight of your face,
My heart feels but...
A peaceful place.
To see you,
Would make veins and my blood boil.
Hearts racing, at the beat of the night,
Constricting my soul.
Mind racing with questions of hope and desire.
When will these feelings submerge
In to the waters of my soul and brain.
Afraid to hold on
Because we're friends
And that's more important.
What would I do without that,
There'd be no you.
Completions of you
Is a whole me.
But the misunderstanding
Of my heart and soul
Will continue when I retrieve
The submission of this
Malfunction on my body
That can not resist
It's taunting taste for your lips
Your hands...
Sending chills up my spin,
Reaching your face
Opening my eyes,
Morning is here.

Oct 9, 2006

Ok, here is the deal. I'm a lesbian right? Why is that so hard for people to understand!?  Let me give you a little insight for those people who are too ignorant to get it through their brains.

A woman sent me an email on my space the other day. Pretty much told me that all gay and lesbian people want to do is be in a relationship to fuck someone, then they move on and fuck another. I'm not going to say that the sterotype isn't true at times. Because I believe some gay and lesbian people DO engage in this kind of behavior. I however was offended by the comment because I not now nor have I ever been in a relationship with a woman just for a fuck.

Then when I stated my piece back to her, she said I only "thought" I was a lesbian. HELLO! Do you think you are the fucking St. Mary? I mean, do some people not understand that I don't THINK I am a lesbian, I KNOW I am!?!!! I'm not a lesbian by choice, I am a lesbian because that is who I was meant to be. Yes, I do agree that some people believe it is a decision to be gay or lesbian, but I do not. I am who I am and nothing in this world will ever change that.
She even went as far as to ask me if I had ever fucked a man. Well for one, it was none of her damn business, and even though I have been with a man, it has yet to have changed me. You are what you are.

I don't question someone if they are straight asking them, "Well have you ever been with someone of the same sex? Then how do you know you are straight?" The same way I do you dumb fucks! YOU JUST KNOW! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I am so tired of the world trying to make me straight just so I will fit into their little category of what is considered "normal". What the fuck IS normal anyways? Can anyone tell me?

Does anyone ever stop to think that if I had the chance to live my life without criticism, scrutiny, and malicious comments, I wouldn't? Most people in life will never know what it is to EARN their parents respect for the "partner" they choose for their lives. I have. For those who are straight, you will never understand what it is to have your parents wonder what it is they did wrong raising you because you choose to sleep in a bed with a person of the same sex. You will never understand the tension it creates in your whole life just because you are you. Try explaining yourself for loving a person.

You shouldn't have to is my point.
Love is unconditional, its never ending and its pure.
If you love a person you should love them no matter who they are or whom they love.

Many comments made in today's society are out of ignorance. If you don't know about the subject at hand and you haven't walked a mile in my shoes, then judge not thou least be judged. 

Annnnd  make sure you clean up your own backyard before you go wandering into mine.

I know I'm ranting and raving, but please take the time to think about things before you say them. You never know what a person has been through or had to go through to be comfortable and happy with who they are.

Euphoria

A wild chill caresses my spine
Unpredicted and free
An invisible touch so divine
I simply cannot picture life without this…
Impulse pulls my hair, thrusts her lips against mine
In a ravaging that seems relentless.
Don’t stop. Please, she begs.
The calm breeze whistles a euphoric tune
As it tickles my ears hoping that it will return soon
I am left in awe and immense anticipation
That it will find its way back to me
And awaken me with its enduring affection
And its unwavering yet gently infectious
Good morning kiss
If only…