My heart, her hand...

She takes my heart in her hand

Wraps in up and encases it against her warm body

She pulls me close 

Whispering everything I need to hear

I feel wanted, needed, desired

Enveloped in a wall she has surrounding her heart,

I slowly chisel away at the stone

And carry the rocks away

Letting them fall out of my pockets as I walk down this road.

This smile really hasn't seen the light of day in years

It's been let in aimlessly over time

For just a quick peek of what it might be if I stepped outside.

When the rays hit my face

I squint

Wanting to retreat to my darkness

She pulls me out further, making me. 

Making me look, making me take in my surroundings, making me feel the warmth against my skin. 

Sometimes I fear the light. 

I fear it because I'm afraid it will lead back to the dark. 

In my world the light only stays for a short time and inevitably fades away

I'm left in a dim corner

With my heart in my hands

A tear on my cheek

And an emptiness I can't describe

Secrets

Hush. 
Speak softly.
Can I tell you a secret?
Whisper it in my ear... 


I'm her secret. I'm good at being her secret.
I've been someone's secret and they've been mine.
Things have to move slowly sometimes in life before they come to the surface,
but often I feel those are the most worthy of our time. 


They say secrets don't make friends.
I say, I have all the friends I need.

The Purest Element 7/30/02

There is no such thing as death
life is but a dream
the only thing that is real is immortality
the pursuit of another's dream
A fixation like the drug
because as a lifeform, we are weak
There is no creationfrom a God
or even a world
There is no real, but only energy
A taste of it is on your tongue
You feel it on your plastic skin
just waiting for it to work itself in.
I am you, and you are me
Like osmosis, absorbing energy
we are fighting to be free.

--this is not mine, but a friend of mine from HS.

Why.. 9/29/98

Why won't you accept me,
for the way that I am?
I'm still the same inside
so you shouldn't give a damn.
Nothing has changed
except my feelings for her
my feelings for you
are the same as they always were.
I know you are ashamed
but I feel I have done no wrong
You think there is someone better
someone better will come along.
I don't feel that is right though
SHE is the one I need
but you're never going to let it happen
You are never going to let me lead.
You say I am not ready emotionally
but who are you to say?
You don't know how much I love her
and it grows every passing day.

Mom 10/13/98

True to my heart, mom
is what you've taught me to be
but how can I do this, mom
if you won't let me be me?

I'm still the same person, mom
deep down inside
we used to share everything, mom
and now I have to hide

You won't accept it, mom
the choices I have made
if I think my heart could take it, mom
I know I'd try to trade.

But that's not what I want, mom
my heart won't let it be
why don't you just accept it, mom
why can't you love me for me?

Forever 10/15/98

You don't love me for who I am
you love me for who you THINK I am
you have such high expectations of me
but I have to be the person you raised me to be.
If you were really my friends
in time you would accept me
if you were really the people who loved me
you would love me no matter what.
I am not any different
and if I am, it's YOUR fault
you have made me close my heart
and you've taught me that honesty is a lie.
You think it's about picking
you think it's about choosing
but it is the fact that YOU need to be happy,
even if inside I am dying.
I have so much love for her
and so much love for you
but along with my love I have anger
anger because the values you've taught me were a lie.
You said people are the same inside
even if something about them is different outside
you said acceptance is everything
and love is unconditional.
But unconditional love is EVERlasting
it's NOT questionable
and it's not just when you feel like it.
It is FOREVER.

On the Inside 10/14/98

Each and every day
you push me farther away
and the hatred inside me grows.

I can't be who I really am
because for you I wear a mask
and the hatred inside me grows.

I'm not really happy
for you I just pretend
and the hatred inside me grows.

The more you push me
the more I love her
and the hatred inside me grows.

I take two steps forward
and you push me three steps back
and the hatred inside me grows.

I am mad, bitter, and cold inside
I feel almose all alone
and the hatred inside me grows.

I have one warm spot in my heart and you are not there
because you are as bitter and cold as she was.
and the hatred is still there.